My father passed away last year. He was a ‘karmic’ lesson for me. We had different approaches to life, he was a nuclear physicist scientist. We were angry with each other…and of course there was love-respect underneath that. But we were ‘good adversaries’ in this lifetime.
“A good adversary is a gift to find.” – Toltec Shaman
Earlier in the year my parents had called and suggested that we join them on their annual Florida vacation. I felt that I needed to go this time, that it would be the last time they would make this trip together. Joy and I joined them and my sister in Florida. My father by this time had both Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. He was on strong medications and had developed the pronounced ‘Parkinson’s stoop’ curvature of the back. He walked with a cane, was present and lucid at times, and sometimes not.
“Want to see if you’re enlightened? Spend 3 days with your parents.” Ram Dass
With Ram Dass’s wisdom in mind I was interested to see if I could stay open, loving, and not get triggered by old patterns on this trip. I had spent years ‘releasing’ integrating, healing, clearing etc. the karmic energies with my father. I had always been relatively harmonious with my mother. Maybe we set it up that way – God knows we can only handle so much karmic clearing at a time.
I needed to make sure I took my daily ‘meditations’, but I was able to stay in an accepting frame of mind and heart most of the time.
During one afternoon my father and I went for a walk by ourselves on the docks. We walked quietly and at one point I could feel his heart wanting to say something to me. I didn’t push and kept quiet myself. He stopped, we both stopped for a moment and I ‘felt’ what he wanted to say…it never did come out as words. And that was fine with me I realized.
I also felt that he would leave this earth much sooner than others had thought. I felt very clearly, and now that I write it, maybe that’s part of what he was telling me, that he would only have a few months, not the few years that the doctors had said.
I didn’t tell anyone else.
4 months later after a fall, broken hip and a short stay in a hospital he passed on. My mother, sister and I sat by his bedside as he simply receded and his breath stopped. I was curious to see what I might ‘see’, since at times I see various spirits around myself and other people. I thought that I would perhaps see the angels, his father or others come and greet and assist him.
I saw nothing. He receded quietly and simply. Foiled again by what my mind tries to ‘predict’ and thinks it knows. It seems God’s mystery is always a step ahead of what we think we ‘know.’ It was a perfect continuation to our relationship, unpredictable with each other til the end.
A while back, sitting in the backyard of a friend, my friend suddenly said: “Do you feel someone behind you?”. I did feel someone, it felt like one of the strong guiding helpful spirits I often feel. My friend asked me if I could intuitively feel who it was. Normally I can feel if it’s an angel, or Jesus, or St. Germain, or Baba. This time I couldn’t. He said:
“It’s your father, and he’s enlightened now.”
As I spoke to my father, with some words, and just feelings – our relationship continued, I asked him if there had been ‘recovery time’ for him on the ‘other side’. He answered, before I could get the question out, ‘Yes, but not in the way you think.’ Foiled again! I started laughing. A little later I ‘told’ him to ‘take care of mother’. He paused and said, with a twinkle in his voice, playfully but being truthful at the same time: “I will do what I want.”
That was perfect! that was our whole lesson with each other, to let the other be however they wanted, to not ‘trespass’ into judging-deciding for the other. I ‘got it’ (again, I’m slow) that Free Will and free exploration is a deep fundamental law, at least for this Universe.
My father also offered to come and talk to me more in depth, privately. And he said that it was up to me, that he was willing. As he was telling me this, I realized that I had had a block against being open with him and that I had always thought that it was he who was not willing to be open to me. I could see the truth of it…I had also been the one who was closed to having a more open relationship with him. I had not wanted to hear about ‘his world’, like I thought he did not want to know about mine.
I’m looking forward to the conversation with my Father…and a bit cautious about what else I might learn about my self.